Archive for the ‘Blur’ Category

Sam’s Male Bag: Is My Relationship Doomed?

Friday, September 14th, 2012

Maverick. Mystic. Miscreant. These are all adjectives. Sam Scherr is two proper nouns. His involvement in the Perth music scene has spanned two centuries, but it feels like way longer.

Alright gang, it’s sacktime again. I’m gonna solve the problems you can’t solve yourself because the Facebook and iTunes have turned your minds to mush and you can no longer function in society. Though I suspect that even without these modern developments many of you would still struggle. I’ve got a letter from an ‘RG’ here who is facing some obstacles in his love life. Well, I’m gonna assume ‘RG’ is a dude, but I’m not 100% positive ‘cause ‘RG’ could stand for anything. He also didn’t say where he was from, which is a bit disappointing since I like makin’ fun of where people live. That said, if I had to make an educated guess as to where RG resides, I’d bet on Joondalup. You’ll see why. Here’s his letter:

My fiancee and I never agree on music. She likes the Stones, I like the Beatles. She likes Blur, I like Oasis. Is it really all about “what you like, not what you’re like”? Is our relationship doomed? Help!

– RG

Boy, oh boy. We got ourselves a regular Sid and Nancy, don’t we? I feel sorry for the cops who must get called out week after week to pick up the pieces after the slight differences of opinion that go on between these two. I’m desperate to know their thoughts on which way they put the toilet paper on the holder.

RG, that can’t be a dealbreaker, unless the two of you are totally insane. Musical taste can indeed drive a wedge between people, but it’s gotta be something way more serious than just preferring one band to another. It has to be one of the following nightmare scenarios. You would be perfectly within your rights to immediately end all contact with someone and get a tattoo that says ‘regret’ or some bullshit in Arabic if they commit any of these crimes against reason:

1. They say shit like, “I think Bob Dylan is a really great songwriter but I just don’t like his voice.”

This person is an idiot. They probably like to buy clothes in places that have an in-store DJ. Take a powder. Do not leave a forwarding address.

2. They like Grinspoon.

How is this even possible? Sure, taste is subjective and everyone has their own perspective, but forming a positive opinion of these musical fartmongers can only be the result of brain damage from excessive off-brand energy drink consumption. Slip the fuck out the back, Jack.

3. You’re a Juggalo, she’s a Maggot.

I know you think you’re on some beautiful white trash Romeo and Juliet tip, but this can’t work. Maybe, in some futuristic Utopia people will accept this forbidden love. Not now. Please continue to cover your disgusting faces though, be it with a mask or makeup.

4. They use the word ‘funky’ to describe things that are in no way funky.

The only acceptable uses of this term are to describe either a mildly unpleasant odour or music which is, yes, funky. A chair cannot be funky. Wallpaper is not funky. Cutesy little ye olde shoppes that sell candles and other assorted garbage are funky, but only because they stink. If you happen to be dating George Clinton or Bootsy Collins, you can disregard this rule because I’m pretty sure those dudes have forgotten all other adjectives.

I could go on, RG, but I won’t. The point is you don’t really have a problem. What you and your fiancée have is a conversation starter. Do I think your relationship is doomed? Of course it is, but it won’t be anything to do with Noel saying he wished Damon would catch AIDS. I also don’t think you should get married, but that’s because I’m a god-hating, terrorist-enabling, enemy of the traditional family and I believe that only gays should be allowed to get married.

So what’s your problem? Girlfriend started a band that was instantly more successful than yours? You’re a busker? Send all your musical questions to and he’ll tell you exactly what you should do in every possible situation.