Archive for the ‘Billy Fart’ Category

Sam’s Male Bag: “Should I Give Up Playing The Bass”

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

Paul SimononWell, this column is really gathering a head of steam now.  It’s up to the third edition and the questions keep rolling in.  The first one this week comes from a gent by the name of Billy Fart. Like a true punk, he has decided to just post his enquiry in the comments rather than email it in as requested. Ian Mackaye would be proud of his DIY attitude and grass roots approach which seeks to breakdown the barrier between the artist (that’s me) and the audience (that’s you people). I, on the other hand, am not into that bullshit.  Billy writes:

Dear Sam,
I used to play bass in a band when I was younger, inspired by Paul Simonon. Unfortunately, I was crap. Now I am old and still crap at the bass. Do you think I should continue playing or give up and take up gardening or fruit pickling? Would appreciate your advice.

I dunno, Billy. If you can’t master the bass guitar, I’d say you’d probably have a rough time diggin’ holes and spreadin’ shit around.  And if I’m not mistaken, fruit pickling is what killed Jaco Pastorius. You should probably pack it in. Perhaps you could do what Bill Wyman does and shlep through the English countryside with a metal detector looking for Ancient Roman coins. You need them because Ancient Roman deli-owners, like their modern day descendants, rarely provide EFTPOS facilities.

One more thing, and to be honest it’s not really advice, it’s more of a criticism.

Though there is a fine tradition in popular music of stealing stuff from poor black people, taking this guy’s name for your punk rock nom de guerre is just crossing a line.

The second question this week is brief and to the point.

Dear Sam,

Just what the hell is Skiffle?

Jayden Boot,


Don’t worry, Jayden. I’ve checked and there is actually no such thing as Skiffle.

So what’s your problem? Don’t know the difference between GaGa, The Go-Gos, Go-Go and the GooGoo Dolls? Can’t find a cardigan that’s gangsta enough? Send all your musical questions to and he’ll tell you exactly what you should do in every possible situation.